The moment my life changed

It was 6:30am and we were at St. Vincent's Hospital awaiting surgery.  This was Marci's 3rd thoracotomy in 18 months.  You see, her lung tumors were growing ... more rapidly than they had in the 28 years prior.  She had met with the surgeon a couple days prior ... I had offered to go with her, but she simply said, you need to go to work ... Don't worry, I've got this."  And so I went to work.  I relived that decision almost every day ... for a very long time.  What didn't she tell me?  What did she hear about the true risk of the surgery she was agreeing to?  Did she go in expecting to once again endure the inevitable pain of recovery?  Did she think she would have hope ... Maybe be part of the emerging clinical trial of viral therapy to treat lung tumors?  Or did the Dr. tell her that this was her last and final hope to live even 6 months more ... To hold her 2 young boys, to feel her husband laying beside her for a little while longer?  Maybe justa little  more time to prepare ... To make plans and make peace?  

In her gown, in her last bed, this mass produced and easily cleaned hospital bed ... she said goodbye.  I said, see you in a bit ... Like this was her going in to the dentist to have a tooth worked on ... A routine that we'd been through ... Familiar, not pleasant, but known.

We sat in the lobby ... Marci's mom, sister, brothers ... Waiting. Chatting a bit and reading the current issue of US magazine... Watching whatever was on at 8 am ... Good morning America or some such thing... Waiting. We knew she would be thin, weak, in pain... She was always in pain... Healing is painful but we would help ... We'd be there to help her. 

When they moved us to a private waiting area ... We knew the routine was broken ... By the time the anesthesiologist came in ... Eyes down... Defeated ... We were broken... Everything was broken... Ground zero.  And at that moment ... My life, everyone's life ... Changed. 

New thinking in EERE projects

Energy Efficiency, Renewable Energy ( EERE ) seems to be a puzzle that the current banking professionals seem to be attempting to solve with the same old tools ... term financing structures composed of principal and interest, fully amortizing over the useful life of the equipment (5-10 years).  This is equipment finance traditionally constrained by capital equipment used in the everyday operations of going concern businesses. 
The gap comes in our uncertainty regarding the production capacity of this equipment, or retrofit system solution.  What happens if the spring turns out to be colder and darker that we would otherwise expect.  The equipment generates less power and that power generation translates into reduced income to service debt.
Government subsidies defined by the PUC compound the issue.  For example, the current Feed In Tariff  (FIT) was calculated so as to pay for the cost of solar PV systems over 15 years.  Within that calculation, the PUC included the cost of financing, but did so assuming a fixed rate, 15 year, fully amortizing loan facility.
Again., the gap is that this particular loan facility is seldom used, and when it is used, banks tend to add a loan pricing premium as a hedge to rising cost of funds and a generally escalating interest rate environment.
We need to think about renewable energy in a new light.  I would like to throw out an idea that I think holds water as supporting vehicles for a growing EERE market.
First - when financing solar PV in concert with the FIT program, a reasonable structure for loan service would be monthly interest payments with an annual leveling payment.  What I mean by this is for banks to take assignment of the FIT revenue stemming from energy production of a Solar PV system and apply that revenue to the interest portion of the loan on a monthly basis.  During the winter months, the loan, consisting of an interest account and a principal account, would self service the interest portion of the debt, but would likely not reduce the principal balance of the loan.  This "issue" would self correct over the Summer and fall months when the sun shines longer and the days are longer.  I would expect that the interest portion of the loan would self correct over the summer months and the principal portion of the loan would be reduced.  In the event that the production of the system exceeded projections, the loan would amortize faster than expected ... a good situation for the bank and for the system owner.  In the event that the system failed to generate a minimum production capacity over the year's time, a leveling payment would be required by the system owner.  This leveling payment could come from a pre-determined cash reserve account required by the bank at loan inception.  This type of approach would mitigate payment and amortization risk to the bank and keep the investment of the system owner at a minimal level, thereby preserving the owner liquidity.
Wind systems could be addressed in a similar way ... monthly interest payment with scheduled principal balance reductions in order to keep the loan performing to the expectations of the bank or financing entity.
With some creative thinking and a willing finance community, EERE projects can be a profitable and predictable market sector. 

Choices

When life seems to be going in all directions without focus or reason, and it seems our choices are not our own but belong to others more concerned with their own rewards, and not how their actions are affecting others ... what is the answer to living with some amount of serenity, calm, and assuredness that everything is truly advancing according to the greater plan and trajectory of life?  How can we see the perfect workings of God's perfect creation ... that each and every turn, each participant, is truly perfect at that moment?  Can it be perfect when there seems to be so much pain and suffering in the world ... so much doubt and uncertainty ... so much that is seemingly wrong?
"All things work to the glory of God."  All things ... not some ... not only the pleasant and beneficial ... All.
 Abundance and scarcity, joy and pain, certainty and doubt, faith and hopelessness.  All things are needed ... all things serve a purpose ... all things.
As the seasons change and the trees give birth to leaves, providing shade and nourishment, which then fall to the ground, dead, to nourish the soil and begin again ... so our lives go in endless cycles of blessings and need.  We get so caught up in the moment ... Tolle writes that there is only "now" ... we find our balance in now.  But when now seems to be in the vortex of a tornedo of doubt and uncertainty ... when life seems to be spinning according only to friction caused by opposing winds and temperatures ... when there seems to be only turmoil and strife ... where is the serenity in the moment ... in now?
So I think it is more than that ... more than "now" ... it is the necessary balance of opposing forces that drives our lives ... our growth comes in recognizing the fleeting, temporal nature of the moment and that there is harmony in opposition.  Great evil demands great good ... great selfishness demands great philanthropy.
Imagine a world where the difference between excess and want is so small that there would be no need for heroism?
The golden rule of selflessness and benevolence points to our natural ability to eliminate disparity.  What a wonderful picture ... yet as we are only infants in our ways ... still fighting for our needs to be met now ... it's hard to see the big picture ... and so our comfort comes in the belief that everything is necessary ... and our desire to be on the giving end of the continuom ...
Our choices within the malestrom of life - to love, give, support and build - to accept and adjust and adapt - to the extent that we can, to teach, and honor, and give thanks.  Our choices reside in the stillness found when we let go of our fears ... in the moment ... and trust that the universe and all the worlds, nations, people, animals, plants and cells ... are working in concert and accomodate our choices as necessary workings of the greater whole ... in that moment and realization ... we find the glory of God.

Redundancy

I feel like I have gone over this so many times. But then, when you lose the wife and mother of your children to cancer, I guess abandonment, attachment, and related themes will repeat themselves.
What's important ... what's the secret to Happiness? Mitch Albom, in his book, Have a Little Faith (Hyperion, 2009) gives us his two cents. "When a child comes into the world, his hands are clenched ... because he wants to grasp at everything ... the world is mine. When an old man leaves the world, his hands are open ... he has learned the lesson ... you can take nothing with you. The sercet to happiness ... Be Satisfied ... Be Grateful ... For what you have, for the love you receive and for what God has given you ... That's it."
Sage words from an author who is so adept at showing us the beauty and transience of life.
Below all of that gratitude is TRUST. Trust that there is a larger plan, that the universe is on a perfect path, that injustice will ultimately serve God's purpose because God can turn the faults of man and make them levers to activate the hearts of those who can and are willing to change. Change themselves through growth and self-assessment, change the world through vision and inspiration.
So, where does it all lead? ... tonight I have not the foggiest idea. I wish I did. I do know that it is better to believe that our pain will turn to hope ... loss will turn to compassion ... less will become ample ... and the least shall be exalted. I want to experience this ... I say, "God, I want a full life ... I want it all" ... and in the process I am blessed with self doubt, insecurity, fear ... above all fear. And through all of that, I learn to Love, to trust, and to be grateful for all that I have, for the love I receive, and for what God has given me. That's all there is to this life ... all that I really know, believe, and hope for. I am sure this will come up again ... it has for thousands of years ... attachment, prosperity, now ... all teach of the transience of our life here on earth and ask us to look for your rewards within our hearts - faith, hope, compassion, gratitude, and service ... I ... I am working on integrity ... that my words and actions align in all directions, connotations, directions, steps ... that I may act and be in harmony with every act, utterance, and leaning - ultimately holding to the highest standard of thought and deed. Yeah - I know - good luck with that. It is worth striving towards ... funny that I have no shortage of persons willing to point out my inconsistencies - the loudest being the ones I love the most.
And so I pray "God - in all of your glory - make this imperfect one serve your greater and higher purpose ..."
Til next ...
Dan

Effectiveness

Image by Sergi Monsegur via Flickr

Life guides us to the place where we can make the greatest impact ... the place where we are most effective. Interestingly, we don't necessarily know where that is at any given moment in time. What I have recognized is that when I look at my personal and professional trajectory - it seems to be moving always in the same general direction ... whether by choice or by circumstance.
It's important to find that quiet place and to take the time to step back, without agendas or expectations, and to just observe the course of one's life. Accept it as necessary to grow, learn, become, and be ... living a life in harmony with all that surrounds us.
Change starts with a harmonious announcement ... the symphony teaches us that, flights of birds, the sunrise and sunsets, blossoming flowers ... all of the wonders of life ... they demonstrate how beauty erupts in concert with its environment.

My place, our place, is to develop a sense of becoming, accepting the nuances and guidance of our environment, and to announce our self, through action, in harmony with our surroundings. We can all become that clarion call, inspiring others to join us ... I believe we can hear it each day and that it moves us to our place of effective and genuinely joyful living.

Inter-dependence

Andrew Revkin was in town today speaking on the question, "9 Billion people + 1 Earth = ?"
It is the essential question that he addresses on his Blog "Dot Earth," and I believe an important one ... maybe the quintessential question of our time.

His ideas point to how the success of any answer addressing global population growth is dependent on the broader cooperation of every stakeholder in the proposition.

China cannot succeed without Europe, and the US, and So America, and others. The developed world cannot adequately address the problem of global warming and eradicating poverty, unilaterally.

The solution will take the efforts and best thinking of all parties and will require consensus and collaboration.

From that broader premise flows the local application ... Oregon's problems are solved only through broad consensus, collaboration, risk-sharing and accountability. Government alone cannot create the economic opportunity needed to bring us out of this recession - nor can the entirety of the burden be borne solely by the private sector, equity or institutional finance. It will take the knowledge and collaborative application of solutions that are born of discussion, of mutually beneficial agreements, and of mutual risk-sharing.

Al Gore states that it is a question of political will ... until our elected officials look to the long range solution, and decouple that solution from short term gains, will we make any progress. I know that Umpqua Bank is wrestling with this issue. How do we create alternative forms of agreement between public, private, and institutional sources of financing that are prudent in approach, limit the downside risk, and spur economic growth and development, both in terms of jobs and in terms of opportunity for the communities in which we live? The answer is one of recognizing the connectedness of our people and those institutions which rely on those people to thrive.

Research, Academia, Finance, Government, Service, and Manufacturing all have the same goal. Strengthening the foundation of talent and of production that will keep our economy growing. It is time to enlist the input of all stakeholders and to do so regularly ... with the singular focus of creating economic opportunity, strengthening educational programs, and sharing in what works and what has proven to be problematic.

And so I challenge each of us to reach out to those of similar and differing opinions to have an open conversation about our path through the current economic difficulties. What role and responsibility will each of us accept in our path forward? What will our commitment be to each other for our mutual benefit? We can take the long view and grow together ... we must. In so doing, we will insure our future place in the forefront of growth and prosperity.

Holding on

What do we hold on to? Family, friends, old loves, hurts, success, failure, money, notoriety, our self and how we want to be, are, were? In these times of constant change, attachments are weak at best, how things have always been, and how they are in the moment, often have little in common. So what do we do? What can we do to live and thrive in the world as it is - constantly changing, fluid, and uncertain?
I find myself observing more and more. To be aware of the ever changing landscape of my life and the business community is more than a full time job. Within the observing, there are seams of opportunity - like eddies within a strong current. My ability to create lies in how easily I slip into those seams and use its gentle flow to move in the direction of where I want to go. It is in that un-resistant environment that I create.
Incremental progress towards the larger good ... that is where opportunity lies. And so, I let go of my desire to make broad leaps and bold moves, and I recognize that in the lesser effort of letting go and moving in concert with that fleeting eb, against the heavy current of skepticism and doubt, I can change little aspects of life. And in so doing change in concert with it.

Community

Our place in this world ... in a sense our aspect of the world through the lens of our experience and beliefs ... is a microcosm of the world itself, and it is the totality of the world as it exists.

Put simply - I and my community are mutually dependent, and not only that, we are one. I used to think that I could exist apart from the world ... When I was younger, my youth pastor used to tell me that we live in the world, but are not of the world ... "In it, not of it." Christians are separate, better than, saved. If there is a downfall to most organized religion, it is the thought that once a person is "Saved or Converted" they become new, different, distinct, and separate. In all respects, that is a fallacy.
We cannot exist separately from our environment, our community, our family, or our self. It is that isolation that becomes the slippery slope to thinking that we can act selfishly, that we are alone, and is the beginning of all illness, both personal and environmental.
Our society needs to relearn the meaning of integrity and use it as a universal aspect of our existence - we are never apart from; we are. We exist in concert with everything, and everyone. I hope that the environmental movement will inspire the general populace and our elected and chosen leaders to remember one simple fact ... apart from anything, we are nothing.

Safe Harbor

The wonder of life is our opportunity to create and re-create. Outside of ourselves, within ourselves, through ourselves ... we create. Elizabeth Gilbert in her book "Eat, Pray, Love," recalls how she decided to think in only positive and loving ways, of herself and of others ... her mind was a safe harbor - a refuge from all of the uncertainty of life. I so admire her willingness to put that thought out there. We are our own safe harbor - sheltered from the winds of uncertainty and the rising tide of doubt. We believe, than act, and in so doing move the world incrementally towards a higher purpose and being.

Although today I had my moments of sorrow and regret ... I am becoming each day more in awe of the wondrous journey that this life is for me ... and laugh out loud at the riddle of its meaning. I am safe harbor, calm, and a beautiful part of all that is.

Welcome the weather

These are amazing times. Amazing is one of those words that can be used to describe unbelievably good, or unbelievably bad: unbelievable is another one. Anyways, regardless of whether times are good, bad or somewhere in between - I am always taken by how the world around us is interpreted through our lens of expectations, hopes, fears, and past experiences.

Sometimes, I find myself running through a vast dialogue of point / counter-point on a topic of conversation that never occurs. It almost sounds a bit looney, really. We are all human, intelligent, and we learn. Through experience, and the learning that results, we are able to predict outcomes ... and there is nothing wrong with that. I would take it one step deeper to say that it is not really a question of right and wrong. It is more a question of comfort and discomfort, or of harmony and dischord.

I have been trying the following exercise ... prediction and effect, and then the next effect, and then the next effect - following that prediction / effect sequence to its final outcome. Each time I find that the final outcome is not really all that bad ... and if I take the time to look for the opportunities within each effect and outcome, then they are there in amazing numbers.

I would posit the each outcome has either a desired effect and known impact, or it has an unexpected effect and unknown impact. Either way, there are opportunities available. So our attitude towards what we predict to happen has everything to do with our attitude towards opportunities ... do we welcome them, or are we trying to keep our heads down and "ride out the storm?"

I am realizing that I really enjoy the weather - yesterday's thunder and lightning was amazing in both its speed and its intensity - and then it was gone, leaving that clean, fresh, ozone laden air that I love here in Oregon.

So, welcome the storm, look with unbiased and open eyes at each moment and find the beauty, grace, joy, and challenge in it. I like to say that we don't board the roller-coaster ride to fall asleep - he board to experience the joy of momentum, of gravity, and of weightlessness - how much greater are the experiences in life. It is a great ride, don't you think?

A Full Life ... Renewed.

We live life with the expectation that our relationships should be guided by some over arching principal ... I agree with that view. What principal shoud that be ... honesty, integrity?  If I listen to my father and mother, it is forgiveness.  When I am open to possibility, it is acceptance.  When I am clear in my goals and needs, it is awareness. My Christian faith counsels service.  I have seen countless examples of those who live by each of these... And still face difficulties larger than they are able to overcome... So what is it that moves one to blend in measure ebbing and flowing with the moment and momentum of life?  Maybe Love. As trite as that may sound, it may just be the one common thread of community with one and many. 

The Bible describes it this way:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.  [love is everlasting]. (1Corinthians, 13:4-8)

When I find myself seeking ... From fear of some personal failing, or want, I ask myself which part of this am I missing ... Am I self seeking?  Am I feeling jealous or resentful of all that has been placed before me to overcome?  Do I trust?  Am I hopeful, or am I tired and feeling defeated... We all fall into these places of doubt and of acting in ways less than our true created nature.  God, I pray ... Lead me through your tempering to become stronger, softer, more open and accepting more than I am today; less judgmental, less proud.  Clear my mind and heart of all that has come before so that I can bring more to the next one who finds a light in me worth investigating.  

Ecological Banking

Ecology is the study of the natural environment. It goes to reason then that Eco-banking should be banking that takes into consideration the natural environment in how financial services are offered to businesses and individuals who operate within the natural environment.
So how would a bank change the products and services it offers in order to benefit the local ecology? That is a good question. The reason that is a good question is because as bankers we have always looked to improve and increase the ROI / ROE value to our shareholders and our depositors first. By doing this, we preserve the integrity of the bank and provide a safe place to store funds while preserving the financial soundness of the institution. Seems to be the way to do business now and into the future.
Eco-banking asks us to consider additional criteria in our business dealings. How do the services we provide help to preserve and grow the communities in which we are entrusted with our customer's hard earned money? Can we do this any better than we are now? I think we can. Communities are similar to farms. They require fertile soil, attention to the weather, discerning seed activities, and careful nurturing of the resulting growth. Banking services and bankers take on a complimentary role to the farmer - they are the tools in which these activities can be accomplished more efficiently.
There are various methods - each with intrinsic strengths and weaknesses. Some would say that the best banks are those that nurture the mature plantings - they deal with existing businesses and support the continued growth and expansion of those businesses. In my opinion, and ecology oriented bank considers the entire system in its dealings; from start-ups and home-based endeavors to soundly established going concerns.
Each stage in the cycle requires specific care and attention. Attention to soil conditions prompts us to consider public policy and how we might influence our local representatives to take action which promote growth in our communities.
Seed activities involve micro-lending and the growth of the venture capital sector, while also promoting skills development and education of the local single-person service provider to help them avoid common business pitfalls and to accomplish controlled growth and sound fiscal management. As those seedling businesses begin their growth, banks can provide continued education in best business practices, and counsel regarding the broader economy and pending storms and opportunities. Small business lending and treasury services can provide both useful tools and objective oversight of trends and ratios within the growing seedling business. As established businesses expand - providing seed opportunities to the broader Eco-system, while supporting supplier businesses with capital needed to grow as well - Mutuality becomes increasingly important. Finally, at the end of the business life-cycle, an Eco-banker can help with succession planning and help to insure the continuance of the business, thereby promoting the growth of the larger community.
We live in dependent systems and rely on the health and success of the broader business, personal, and natural environments in order to remain resilient and vital. I believe all of us benefit from a vital and growing local and regional economy - no to mention the grander vision of the nation and world. If we can always look outside our small piece of the larger picture, and recognize the numerous ways we can help to create a healthier system, we all benefit from the small efforts of each one of us. Eco-banking, the notion of looking to the greater ecological landscapes around us and endeavoring to promote, sustain and grow that environment, provides a way to accomplish this very noble goal.

Letting go

Been approaching life a bit different lately ... letting go of expectations and desires for specific outcomes and finding much more joy in the present. A co-worker asked me today what my preference would be for the department of one that I currently head up. After thinking about the question, I responded that the best outcome, in my opinion for the bank would be for the department to be absorbed as part of the corporate culture - meaning there would be a consideration of environmental issues in all that we do as a bank. But that would mean that my position would no longer be necessary - unless they kept me on as a content expert or knowledge officer... which at this bank would be unlikely.
The best outcome for me professionally would be to grow a division around environmental lending initiatives. But then that would turn me into a manager, limiting my public contact and making my focus more on reports than on business development or outreach. I don't have much interest in reports.
So, in total, the preferred outcome would be for me to become expendable ... the follow on question was, "so, are you okay with that?" My response ... sure ... I am not overly tied to either outcome ... just enjoying what I am doing today and working on growing the philosophy and approach within the bank and out into the community. The experience and visibility are both good for me from a resume perspective. My hope is that I will be able to leverage this time into international travel. I think I am starting to get it ... Buddhists call this compassionate objectivity ... feeling without taking possession. I like that message.

Down time

It has been a while since I wrote ... hope all is well with you.

There must by cycles that we are all subject to ... or maybe I am bipolar. Whichever the case, today was a day that I chose to hide more than seek. I don't know why these changes come or from where. Some days, I can talk to anyone about anything - it seems. Today was a day to step away from all of that. I am not particularly impressed with that decision. I don't know exactly why either.
I had lunch with a friend, bought some flowers for a couple others - just random acts of kindness to let them know I am thinking of them and that I appreciate them. And I am fine with all of that ... I just feel a little out of balance.
Tried singing Willy Wonka ... "if you want to see paradise, simply look around and view it ... you can change the world, there's nothing to it." That helped a bit. Writing helps a bit.
Walked into a social situation with tons of people - all connected to green building, design, or project management ... and felt like I needed to get out of there. Like social anxiety ... and I am not particularly like that. I am a little tired ... have been digging up the past a bit - accepting it as it comes into view - but wondering how it all fits together.
The fact that the universe is a perfect machine does not always translate into knowing where I am at any given moment. Maybe it is a lack of landmarks - that this is all new terrain. There is uncertainty in that picture - but it does not need to be uncomfortable ... it can be wondrous and exciting and interesting and mind expanding. It should be - it is. Let it go ... accept what is and enjoy it. Buy it some flowers.
I feel a little better now.

Listening and trusting

No one is perfect ... I am surely not. I am becoming more aware and more conscious in how I choose to communicate. Old habits weaken slowly ... because they serve a purpose. They keep us "in control" due to the predictability of their effect.
In the book, "The Art of Racing in the Rain," the main character quotes a famous race car driver as saying that in the rain, we loose the predictability of how the car will handle and become reactive. In life, the same thing happens when we are faced with unfamiliar circumstance. One of the ways a driver will compensate is to pre-emptively create a controllable situation - pitch the rear end out around a turn and then control the slide. Because the slide is consciously begun, the corrective action is also well known and can be applied in controlled ways. The driver is never reacting, the driver is acting, and then correcting, predictably.
With my son, I am trying to get there. Consciously acting, listening and counselling with love, and with a calm tone. I have ceased raising my voice. He can tell I am frustrated by his decisions ... but at 18, they are his decisions to make.
Again, I come back to the thought that all of this is necessary for him, and for me, to grow through and to accept as perfect. I am acting in ways that have intergrity to my beliefs and benefit the world around me. The path is what it is ... Although I am uncertain as to its' final destination, I believe it will prove to be a wondrous trip.

Careful words

I have a book in me ... I just know it. :)

Tuesday brought my son home at 2:30 am. The good news, he came home in his own car - I didn't have to pick him up at juvenile detention. The other good news ... I don't sleep when he is out late and so the night was a short one. The tertiary good news ... I was moderating a panel discussion at 7am that morning. So on 3 hours sleep, and under the influence of significant amounts of B12 and caffeine, I began my day.
The panel discussion was addressing the gap between building a great building - energy efficient, healthy, lots of sunlight - and finding a banker who recognizes something other than the financial performance of the building. Daily Journal of Commerce was there taking notes. The conversation went really well ... conclusions all pointing towards taking the extra time and effort to consider how the "healthy" aspects of a project translate into better financial returns for a variety of reasons ... then it happened. The B12 and caffeine wore off. Out of my mouth comes the following, "As a banker, I don't care about how clean the air is or how many people show up to work each day ... what matters to me is how your cool LEED Silver, Gold, Platinum, Living Building performs differently than a traditional building built to code. Show me how your building performs better - lower expenses, lower maintenance costs - and how that generates higher Net Operating Income." :-)
The fact of the matter is that I do care, but I was being intellectually lazy in making my point - The human aspects of the sustainability movement are the drivers of change - In order to support the benefits intrinsic in LEED projects, we need to carefully define and defend how the characteristics of a LEED building contribute to behavioral change in the occupants and therefore add value. I know this ... Creating a healthy environment benefits all parties in various ways. Triple bottom line - People, Place, Profit. I didn't make that point in my statement - but it was a great sound bite ... and so was quoted in the DJC and attributed to me. Dan Weldon, Vice President, Eco-banking Manager, LEED AP, Traditional Asshole Banker. Oh man :)... (laughing at self and at life generally). This is what keeps life fun. Maybe I will have the opportunity to clarify ... maybe not. It is out there in the ether now. And I move on. This message needs to be clear - it takes a community of dedicated, intelligent people to solve complex problems. Linguistics - the translation of one language to another - gets a bit convoluted at times. We need to find alternative paths that are not presently there - life is like that.
I enjoy the opportunity to learn this in so many different and vital ways. It all adds to the richness of the journey. I am building new and unique pathways of reasoning in my brain. Making connections that were not there previously. Through those connections, I will see things which were previously hidden from me. That is the beauty of life and learning. I so enjoy being a student.

What good may come

I was listening the the classical music station today while driving home from work. I like classical music sometimes ... it seems to give space for me to drive, to experience the world around me, and to listen. Pop and rock tend to fill my brain so that I don't think - I only feel. Both have their time and place for me.
Anyways, during this particular segment of the program, they were interviewing a group that will be playing at Reed College Saturday night - I am sorry to have to miss it. They play a Spanish classical "Andalusian" style of music - The Oud, a violin, and a guitar - the group is call Al Andalus.

DATE & TIME: March 28th 2009 7:30 p.m.
LOCATION: Kaul Auditorium, Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd. Portland, OR 97202, Reed College Events http://events.reed.edu/
TICKET HOTLINE: 1-800-838-3006 http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/54495
(A) $25.00 (B) $20.00 (C) Students $10.00 (ID). Tickets are also available at the door.

Tarik and Julia Banzi - the interview was with Julia Banzi. She was telling the story of how they were scheduled to play in Los Angeles and that when they arrived, the promoter told them that they had expected a quartet - not a duet. They needed to find 2 more participants to play a concert scheduled within the week. When asked if they viewed this as a dilemma, Julia responded "I thought what a great thing to happen - this will be wonderful for us!" The interviewer added, "it is great that you had such a positive attitude toward such a difficult situation and thought that something good would come of it." Julia responded ... "something good always does."

I cheered aloud in my car YES ... "something good always does." I have my challenges in life - they keep life interesting and vital. Sometimes I am tired, and choose to close my eyes and ears. Sometimes I choose to delay or act lazy. I don't have to. I am recognizing more that it is my openness to accept what is and to listen and respond with love and empathy that allows me to see. And the good comes - "it always does."

Life as I see it

When it is all said and done, we do choose our life. We choose how we view every situation; how we hear every statement; how we read every sentence ... we choose to be accepting or rejecting.
I was thinking back today about something I didn't know at the time ... and learned much later in life. Straight out of High School, I applied to Stanford University. I never heard whether I had been accepted or not. I also applied to Columbia - got a partial Scholarship to play football. Was accepted to Dartmouth, and Cornell. I knew all of that, though. I learned about a year ago that I had been accepted to Stanford ... 27 years after the fact. So I started thinking about that ... How fun Stanford wold have been. I wondered what my life would have been like. Would I have gone on to be a Doctor? Would I have met the guys who started Google? Would I be a Google-millionaire? So many possibilities. And then, I smiled to myself, knowing that the fiction that was running through my mind was just that ... Fiction.
It is the same thing I find myself doing at other times about other things ... what is she or he thinking? What are their motivations, their needs, their wants, their agenda? The answers may be insightful, based upon observation, and may be accurate - but they are also compiled through the lens of my personal experience, and therefore fiction.
I have lived my lives based upon this fiction ... I have had to in some degree. I have lived the experiences I have to become who I am now. And now, I am learning to delay my creative tendencies ... my fiction writing and living abilities.
Could it be that the world, the universe, is a perfect system? How would my life change if I accepted each moment as the best possible reality of that moment. The universe would not change ... my life would not necessarily change. My enjoyment of being has surely changed. It is an internal shift - a shift of perspective.
Maybe the world does become a better place when I accept it as such. Maybe my acceptance affects those around me in positive ways, and therefore creates a shift in my environment, which changes the world. I don't know that to be true ... I suspect it to be so. It is not really for me to decide or claim one way or the other. I do know that I love the life I have and the moments that I experience as I live it. I accept it for what it is and take my steps forward, or sideways, with confidence that my life is grand, and I am experiencing its' expansion through a renewed vision to see a larger and more intricate picture. Wow ... isn't that the point of living? Yes, it is. :)

Life comes at us ... does it?

We are not passive in our actions day to day. We take each step - involuntarily, we breathe each breath. Our heart beats. Ours is an active life - a purposeful life. To say that life comes at us is to relieve ourselves of our part in this journey.
In my life, I felt most hopeless when I had given the control of my life over to another or over to chance and entropy. In each instance, it was a choice I made ... to drive the boat or to allow the boat to drive itself. If no one is driving and the boat hits a rock, it is not the boat's fault.
My son is learning this lesson ... and I am as well. I have been inconsistently steering the boat - we have wrestled over directions - I have given him guidance based upon my experience and allowed him to clip the shore. The ship is still water tight, but it will take some extra effort, and some time specifically focused on repairs, to right the boat.
As we make those repairs, we learn what it takes to fix something that is damaged. Ours has not always been the closest of relationships. I am blessed to have this opportunity to make some repairs in that regard.
I believe that all that happens in this life serves the ultimate purpose for our being - our existence.
To digress a bit - imagine if we would take the active choice allegory and expand it ... what if we CHOSE our life prior to being born? The over-achievers would choose the more difficult path to test their ability to overcome. The under-achievers, or those who were just tired would choose the easier options - wealth, luxury, intelligence, self-assurance. In this regard, I take joy in my difficulties - I welcome the toil and see how it is making me stronger, bringing me closer to all that is God. I know that in all, and through all, I am growing, expanding, becoming.
So I take the next step, purposefully, turn the rudder, and move in the direction unknown - with an attitude of wonder and anticipation for what is sure to come so clearly into view.

Making good

Some nights I feel more like writing, tonight I am writing anyways. A recurring theme with me is to assume the worst, and to be surprised when the best happens. I have been certain of the best at times, and then when everything unexpectedly changes, I recognize that as something less than the best ... I have decided to change that about myself. It is a common trait that runs in the family. It doesn't make it right, just common - and common is rarely best.
I had a meeting today with a very important customer - in many ways they define my role at Umpqua Bank and were a good portion of the impetus for Umpqua to enter into the environmental financing field; that and Obama's recurring call for energy independence, echoed by the Governor and the Mayor. My customer and the bank have an agreement of a shared focus on energy projects. They are graded by their ability to show that they are supporting those projects, we want to make loans that add to our bottom line, as well as that support our care for the local community and the environment ... recognizing me as a banker, the priorities are pretty obvious. Regardless, it is admirable to do well while going good - so we persist.
The meeting was to discuss the program's performance to date and to look for ways to improve. What I assumed would be a gripe session, clearly from the start was an acknowledgment of the difficulties of business in the current environment and a collaborative effort to agree on ways to improve where we can - in all ways a very productive meeting. Not the meeting I was expecting. I walked away shaking my head in semi-disbelief. I know that we are executing the deliverables well, charging to market with guns blazing, and seeing some small but measureably positive results. I did not think that they would view it the same way. Why is that? Why is it that my first inclination is to think that whatever is being done is not quite as good as what could be done?
I must remind myself to clean my mental lenses before entering into a meeting, a discussion, a new setting, and look with available faculties ... open ears to intently listen, open eyes to read body language and non-verbals, an open mind to consider what is being said and to creatively approach the project with a loving heart.
We make our own good - with whatever is at hand. Words to remember and consider often.